Welcome to the Weird Fortune Cookie Collection.
Imagine you’re just finishing dinner at your favorite Chinese restaurant. The waiter drops a handful of fortune cookies onto the table along with your check. You grab one and crack it open, and inside you find this:
Not what you would expect, is it?
This site is a collection of fortune cookies like that: unusual, vague, weird, nonsensical, borderline naughty, flat-out bizarre, whatever. You’ll find links to read through the entire collection just over there on the side. Click away.
Why does this site exist?
Because I don’t like stamps. So there. Yes I know it’s strange. If I were normal you wouldn’t be reading this. Instead you’d be reading some personal “blog” I wrote about my pets or my job or my social life or what I think about politics or how great I am. You, in turn, would be whining about how there aren’t any interesting websites to look at, which would be a reasonable conclusion seeing as how you’ve been reduced to looking at inane banter about my cat’s latest hairball or my plans for summer vacation in Tulsa.* Eventually you’d click yourself away from here and go surf a more interesting site, despite the fact you just complained there weren’t any.
All of which is irrelevant because this isn’t a personal “blog” (second place winner of the Dumb Slang Awards 2005) and it isn’t about my pets (I don’t have any) and it isn’t about my job (you aren’t cleared for that) and it isn’t about my social life (same as everybody else’s) and it isn’t about politics (either you already agree with me or you don’t want to know anyway) and it isn’t about how great I am because the question of who’s the greatest has thoroughly been covered by Maddox and apparently it’s him. This one’s for you, Maddox.
A brief disclaimer
You have probably noticed that fortune cookies nowadays contain a little fine print, usually entitled "lucky numbers". Some people believe that any unusual occurrence — e.g. pulling a piece of paper out of a fortune cookie with an odd message on it — portends genuine luck. In fact I dare say there are some folks that would be willing to risk quite a bit of money on the lucky numbers found on fortune cookies. Now, I’m not one to criticize anybody’s superstitions or taste in recreation, unless I don’t like you and you’re out of earshot. But the fact is that even if Big Bird jumps out of a doorway and hands you a set of "lucky numbers", they’re probably not worth much more than the paper they’re written on. What I’m getting at is: if you use the lucky numbers found on the fortunes in this collection in a gambling enterprise of some kind, you’re on your own.
In fact, if you would even consider using lucky numbers given to you by a fortune like the one above — i.e. one that tells you that you’re stupid — you need to do the following:
- Go get a dictionary and look up the word irony.
- Mark the page so you won’t lose it in the next step.
- Beat yourself over the head with the dictionary and repeat the phrase "I am unfit to live without supervision" 300 times.
Now leave my site at once.
*I have not been to Tulsa. I do not plan to go to Tulsa. Do not email me about your friend/relative/cat in Tulsa. Especially if he/she/it likes to put “in bed” at the end of fortune cookies.
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